North? South? East? West?

For quite some time, I have struggled with the direction of my life. I felt as if I was on the right path for a while, following the crowd after graduation by getting my own apt, a full-time job (well, full-time hours but definitely not full-time benefits), paying my own bills, and determining that I would stay in one spot for a few years. But after a matter of months, I knew the path I was currently on was not the one for me. So I made the extreme choice to quit my well-paying job, losing the one benefit I had, pack my life in boxes, and move over 600 miles away from my roots.

Here is where that choice has led me: I am a 24 year old graduate student living in Massachusetts in a school-owned house with two roommates and I eat at least two meals a day in the dining hall…by myself. In more ways than one, this as actually been a good thing. Some of my loans are deferred for another year and a half, I don’t pay utilities (just an arm and a leg for room and board), and I don’t have to worry about having enough groceries to make it to my next paycheck. Also, I finally have been able to get my foot into the door of the coaching world thru the college.

Unfortunately, these positives don’t always way out the negatives I feel most days. I usually don't have any trouble getting thru my days, my mind is distracted by classes, homework, that first mile on the treadmill, and the occasional text message. But the trouble comes at night, the time when my head is to be rested upon one of three pillows. The part of my day that is suppose to be restful becomes the most troublesome, this is the time where my mind hits 150mph. Not only do I replay most of my day, but I begin to think of tomorrow, and next week, and next month, even next year.

But the thoughts that are the most painful to bear at the "what ifs". "What if I stayed in the city?" "What if I wouldn't have let go?" "What if I did let go?" I am aware of what is going on around me and in more ways than one, I feel left out. I can't help but think that all of the choices I have made within the past year have been the wrong ones. And it's not just me who conjures up those feelings but those closest to me. Being around family Christmas Eve was almost unbearable. I eventually hid out in the family room with the kids playing Rock Band just to avoid any more questions about my life.

I can't help but think of "The Woods". Growing up, my friend and I would spend the nice days in the woods near our houses and hang out in the fort. We would take the same trail each day because it had been worn down so much due to our constent trecking back and forth. Everyone who went to our fort took the same trail, we never strayed because it would have taken longer to manuver thru the fallen trees.This is the trail I image when I think of life. While the majority of society follows the same trail thru the forest, I have decided to veer off and create a path of my own. I am going to continue to trip over the fallen trees and uprooted stumps that block my way, but this trail is mine. At least I was the one brave enough to step away and do something that many others don't.