My Favs

"Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change.
Once a whore you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that'll never change."

"Cause I'd rather waste my life pretending

Than have to forget you for one whole minute"

"If you let me I could,

I'd show you how to build your fences,

Set restrictions, separate from the world.

The constant battle that you hate to fight,

Just blame the limelight."

"Don't know what I want

But I know it's not you

Keep pushing and pulling me down

But I know in my heart it's not you"

"Stand up be a man about it.
Fight with your bare hands now."

"This one's for originals

Who strike out towards the great unknown

Fear not the missteps, take the falls

The rock you find will be your own"

"Everybody freeze - don't step over the line

Don't stand up, they'll shoot down the first one who tries

Try to change the world, they'll think you're out of your mind

Revolutions start when someone crosses the line"

"I watched his wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving you.

Just watch my wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving..."

"I should never think what's in your heart,

What's in our home but it's all I want

You'll learn to hate me but still call me baby

Oh, love so call me by my name"

"She said, "Walk on over, yeah, to this bit of shade, I will wrap you in my arms"

And I stay "Let me sign, let me sign.""

North? South? East? West?

For quite some time, I have struggled with the direction of my life. I felt as if I was on the right path for a while, following the crowd after graduation by getting my own apt, a full-time job (well, full-time hours but definitely not full-time benefits), paying my own bills, and determining that I would stay in one spot for a few years. But after a matter of months, I knew the path I was currently on was not the one for me. So I made the extreme choice to quit my well-paying job, losing the one benefit I had, pack my life in boxes, and move over 600 miles away from my roots.

Here is where that choice has led me: I am a 24 year old graduate student living in Massachusetts in a school-owned house with two roommates and I eat at least two meals a day in the dining hall…by myself. In more ways than one, this as actually been a good thing. Some of my loans are deferred for another year and a half, I don’t pay utilities (just an arm and a leg for room and board), and I don’t have to worry about having enough groceries to make it to my next paycheck. Also, I finally have been able to get my foot into the door of the coaching world thru the college.

Unfortunately, these positives don’t always way out the negatives I feel most days. I usually don't have any trouble getting thru my days, my mind is distracted by classes, homework, that first mile on the treadmill, and the occasional text message. But the trouble comes at night, the time when my head is to be rested upon one of three pillows. The part of my day that is suppose to be restful becomes the most troublesome, this is the time where my mind hits 150mph. Not only do I replay most of my day, but I begin to think of tomorrow, and next week, and next month, even next year.

But the thoughts that are the most painful to bear at the "what ifs". "What if I stayed in the city?" "What if I wouldn't have let go?" "What if I did let go?" I am aware of what is going on around me and in more ways than one, I feel left out. I can't help but think that all of the choices I have made within the past year have been the wrong ones. And it's not just me who conjures up those feelings but those closest to me. Being around family Christmas Eve was almost unbearable. I eventually hid out in the family room with the kids playing Rock Band just to avoid any more questions about my life.

I can't help but think of "The Woods". Growing up, my friend and I would spend the nice days in the woods near our houses and hang out in the fort. We would take the same trail each day because it had been worn down so much due to our constent trecking back and forth. Everyone who went to our fort took the same trail, we never strayed because it would have taken longer to manuver thru the fallen trees.This is the trail I image when I think of life. While the majority of society follows the same trail thru the forest, I have decided to veer off and create a path of my own. I am going to continue to trip over the fallen trees and uprooted stumps that block my way, but this trail is mine. At least I was the one brave enough to step away and do something that many others don't.

All that I know is I'm breathing

From LiveJournal to Xanga to Blogger...
I can't ever keep these straight, let alone keep up with any of them!
I'm not witty enough to make these entertaining. Others make me fall out of my seat laughing but I bore myself attempting to write one entry.

Let's start with something simple:
-After a 2 year stint 9 years ago and vowing never to return, I will rejoin the Finesse Softball program this summer as a coach for the 10U team.
-16 weeks until the semester is over and I get to see my parents again. When I returned to MA last Saturday, I parked in front of my dark, empty house and became homesick for Flushing.
-JV softball practice begins in a matter of weeks and I'm fearful that I won't be able to coach the girls as well as I want. What if I'm considered a joke?
-It took one question thru Facebook from someone I haven't spoken to in a very long time to realize that I'm losing who I am in Him.
-I am not afraid to admit that I have a borderline obsession with Harry Potter and Twilight. I don't care if you look down on me for it, just let me enjoy this while I can. "Sleep, my Bella. Dream happy dreams. You are the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours"
-Would you rather have your hand nibbled on by a cannibal or your eye poked out with a sharp stick?

When love is gone, there's no arms to run to anymore
I'm all alone, there's no one for me to live for
Letting go of the things I've always clung to
That's when I need to feel that I belong to you